


The 5 O'Clock News

by psychicmewhealer



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Gen, Government, Government Experimentation, New York, New York City, News Media, Newspapers, POV Alternating, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Multiple, POV Original Character, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Satire, Self-Harm, Social Commentary, Suicide Attempt, Superheroes, Superpowers, TV News, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24414763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychicmewhealer/pseuds/psychicmewhealer
Summary: A real life superhero saves New York City a few times.--Or: no plot, only metanarrative
Kudos: 1





	The 5 O'Clock News

> “And onto other news. Crime has dramatically decreased in New York due to who some call a 'real life superhero...' Becca, do you have anything for us?”
> 
> “Definitely, Ethan. Join me on the streets of New York as we get a sneak peek into the life of this superhero. Here we are with her right now.”
> 
> The camera switches to her in the streets, a tall figure, in a yellow baggy T-shirt revealing highly toned arms. She compliments it with gray sweats that fall to her ankles. Her face is uncovered ― she has golden brown skin with reddish undertones, flawless, without acne; with picturesque features. Big lips, soft brown eyes that pop with her long eyelashes, her wavy hair flows straight down and continues to her waistline.
> 
> “Hey guys.”
> 
> “So, tell me, what’s your name?”
> 
> “Jasper.”
> 
> “That’s a beautiful name.”
> 
> “Thanks.”
> 
> “What caused you to start crime fighting?”
> 
> “Oh, y'know. There's just a lot of crime in New York and I felt like I could help out somehow.”
> 
> “That's a pretty selfless reason to fight crime.”
> 
> “Well thanks.”
> 
> “Now back to the weather…”

Why am I telling you this story again? I guess I just have to tell further to find out or something.

First off, my name isn’t Jasper. I like the name. I don’t like the idea of names. Like if you value a toy you can name it something to show that it’s something special. But it’s still toyish. No one wants to be anyone else’s toy, but everyone wants to play with everyone else.

So I was running on my treadmill, right, just getting over the bottomless pit of boredom, but I couldn’t bring myself to cut again, so I just run. Trying to imagine myself not bored, in a world where I’m entangled in a fabric that is humanity seeing everyone as anyone. Of course I broke the treadmill, but the manual was close by and I cooled it off.

I guess running at Mach 1 isn’t great after all.

Then I did what I usually do, right, see if my flight doesn’t come catch me, maybe like, jump off the house or something. Of course my body kicked in and nothing happened. Another day, I guess.

So I take out this gigantic knife, right, like, the blade is bigger than my arm. And I’m thinking, maybe I should slit this into myself. Just to feel something.

Why am I telling this story again?

So there was this this gigantic pile of cucumber slices next to me, right, but of course I won’t eat them. ‘Cause, like, eating too much makes me sick. But I take a slice just to feel something. The feeling of the cucumber in my mouth. The moisture, the crisp texture. I spit it out, unable to digest it, but craving something to do, or I would literally dieeeeeee.

But the phone rang and I picked it up, feeling the vibration on me, hearing the marimba’s major tones. 

And the notification’s like,

> **Emergency**
> 
> A massive creature has been breaking skyscrapers in New York. Anyone at Sixth and Wentworth, you must evacuate. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Again, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

And I was like, yessssss, something to do.

I’m flying around, right, everyone was evacuating. Luckily, I was too bored to care. And seeing them scared was amusing.

So like, I was punching the monster, there’s a lot of oohs and aahs from the crowd and stuff. But mostly it’s all for show. I smile my bright white teeth at them.

I let the monster punch me back once and almost fell on a building. The crowd gasped as one. Their greatest hero was falling! The horror!

But their greatest hero rose again as I uppercut the monster and snapped off his neck. Applause soared through the city. I had defeated their enemy.

> “So, tell me, what’s your name?”
> 
> “Jasper.”
> 
> “That’s a beautiful name.”
> 
> “Thanks.”
> 
> “What caused you to start crime fighting?”
> 
> “Oh, y'know. There's just a lot of crime in New York and I felt like I could help out somehow.”
> 
> “That's a pretty selfless reason to fight crime.”
> 
> “Well thanks.”
> 
> “Now back to the news…”

> **The New York Bell**
> 
> New York monster autopsy reveals story of reptilian hybrid gone wrong with genetic poisoning, doctors say

I looked inside the monster right after I defeated him. Shreds of metal were strewn across the city. His internal structures were hard and silver-colored. Definitely not reptilian.

A blinking red light inside. I snatched it out. I opened up his eyes for good measure.

A GPS and cameras. I knew it.

They’re looking for me.

> “Who is this Jasper on the news, Officer?”
> 
> Bailey looked through her files.
> 
> “Well, according to these…” she began and stopped.
> 
> “What is it, Officer?”
> 
> “She doesn’t exist.”

Unfortunately, I still existed. 

I couldn’t cut— my skin can’t be incised. I attempted sleep, but my body had too much energy. The cucumber slice I had eaten before was making me sick, so I threw it up. I guess that was the most interesting thing that happened that day. 

So why do I tell you this? It interests me, but why?

And I was like, maybe watch TV?

I pressed the remote. 

> “Good afternoon. This is Ethan Gill reporting the 5 o’clock news…”

And I turned it off. 

I finally get it. I get it now. I understand it all. I mean, I’ve always understood it, but now I _really_ do. It all makes sense. The news. The sources. Me. 

Maybe the reason I’m telling you this story is so I can control you.

> CIA - TOP SECRET
> 
> CONFIDENTIAL
> 
> PROJECT JASPER
> 
> lack of empathy
> 
> chronic boredom
> 
> pain receptors removed
> 
> healing factor up 993%
> 
> metabolism toggled; needs 93% less food and 99% less water to survive
> 
> useless organs removed
> 
> physical capabilities enhanced
> 
> age factor eliminated
> 
> physical imperfections removed
> 
> artificial insemination completed
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> If it works, the potential would be immense. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX would be done extensively with Jaspers. Jaspers would be ideal for XXXXXXXXXXXX with their lack of legal identity.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> XX-XX-20XX
> 
> M-101 is passing all benchmarks. It will be ready for deployment in XXXXXXXX
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> XX-XX-20XX
> 
> M-101 has the highest benchmark scores. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX M-102 and 103. 
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> XX-XX-20XX
> 
> M-101 first dispatch. Reptilian perpetrator dispatch. Fight went well. Crushing defeat of reptile. Trending search on Google, YouTube, Facebook, and Instagram. 
> 
> M-101 has not returned; its tracker has been removed.
> 
> XX-XX-20XX
> 
> New public spectacle. New metal monster synthesized with tracker to reveal the location of M-101.
> 
> XX-XX-20XX
> 
> M-101 has been retrieved. Reprogramming has begun.


End file.
